This is the most difficult bit. My head knows that he is enough. Experience has shown me that he is enough. His word tells me that he is enough. And still I struggle to let go and have peace in the knowledge that the Lord of all, my creator, really has it all in hand.
Is it because I know that he is unlikely to just make everything a walk in the park (it's not just me that isn't a fan of trials, effort, pain, right?)? That I am a control freak who wants to sort things out by herself? That I am not closely enough in communion with him to have a constant conviction that it really is true? That I don't really think he could care that much about someone like me?
Any or all of the above, I suppose. Of course I couldn't count the number of times I've been told that we are all on a journey and that only when God's masterpieces are fulfilled at resurrection will we be all that we hope for, but I am not a patient person. I get so frustrated that I can't just be what I want to be right now. I suppose that is another thing I should let go of and trust him for. After all, he died for me because I am not perfect and couldn't be on my own. The whole point of his being sufficient is my insufficiency.
I just have to ask him to help me let go and trust him to be enough, because in my head I know that he is. Little by little, I can give one more thing to him, not saying that this doesn't matter to me any more, but that it matters greatly and I trust him to deal perfectly with it, knowing me perfectly. Then I have to try not to take it back from him again. 'I long for this, but I trust you' is a prayer I seem to pray a lot at the moment.
I warn you though: it seems that every time I pray one of those reckless prayers (draw me closer to you, teach me to let go and trust you more, help me to depend on you) he answers. This shouldn't surprise me - he is after all a faithful God. But the trouble is, he doesn't just give us more faith, more longing for him, more joy, more hope; he gives us the opportunity to develop it. Which is rarely comfortable. So beware that if you pray prayers like that, he is liable to take you at your word!
Finally, having spent a while thinking about God's sufficiency and considering his unfailing faithfulness, I need to note one last thing. It is marvellous that he is sufficient to cover my sins, use my weakness, make up for my failings and come through for me in times of need and despair, but this is not the whole story. It's not actually about me. When I focus on him and hear of who he is - his glory, his might, his love, his grace - it is not me that matters, for he is worthy of all praise no matter what my situation.
Friday, 26 April 2013
Sufficient: Can he really provide in every area of my life?
Well I have to say, until a month or two ago I would have answered yes to this question but I would not have truly believed that. He could provide for my every spiritual need, I believed he had all of my future in his hands and knew what he was doing with all the big things, but there were certain things I thought he couldn't really provide for. There were one or two things for which I needed a real person there with me, albeit sent by him.
(Of course there is always the question of do I actually need this thing I am praying for or is it just something I would really, really like? If the latter, God's answer could be 'no' or 'not now.')
So on the day in question, God by his grace decided to jolly well show me what he could do. I'm still not sure whether the thing I was praying about (interestingly not one of the things concerned with my previous post where I desperately need him to come through) was a need or a wish.
I had taken some time to be alone with him in a beautiful place just to concentrate on him, trying to learn to abide in him and trust him with everything and he honoured this in a beautiful way. He showed me that he knew exactly what was going on in my mind, my needs and desires, even before I got there (he made arrangements accordingly). He knew the thoughts that I never utter to a soul, and he cared about them. He knows me better than I know myself, he hems me in behind and before. He knows me perfectly and completely. I can honestly say that it is the best feeling ever just to have a glimpse, a shadow, of truly knowing this, and I cannot wait for the day when I know it fully.
You can take it from me (Please don't though. Pray for him to show you instead - from my experience the only way we really believe things is if they happen to us) that he is so easily capable of providing in any and every area of our lives that I'm baffled he has the patience with us while we are doubting it!
To come back to my question about whether it was a need or a wish, I think the way I was praying about concerned a wish, but through the experience God actually showed me that I do have a need, but it is for something more even than what I was praying for, and the need is what he will provide for. The wish; maybe.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Sufficient: What if he hasn't come through?
I have put off writing this post partly because I've been pretty busy recently, and partly because it's a difficult one to write. What do we do when God hasn't come through?
There are several situations in my life right now where I really desperately need him to come through. And he hasn't. At least as far as I see it. This is an issue which has often been ignored, certainly in some areas of Christianity I have come across. There is a lot of pressure to trust and believe and expect the seemingly impossible healing, setting free, renewal or whatever it is we need, but nobody tells us what to do when we have invested everything and nothing seems to have happened.
When we see no change in a painful situation it hurts. When there is nothing we can do to change things other than pray, it seems hopeless.
(Interestingly, as I write these words I am also realising how we can subconsciously look on prayer as a less useful thing to do in a difficult situation. It can seem like prayer is a last resort: 'I've done everything I can do so I'll just have to fall back on prayer as a last hope that something might happen'. Offering somebody prayer can feel less 'useful' than offering them practical support.
Now I know that both prayer and practical support are vital, and when friends stand with someone in need both spiritually and practically it is a beautiful partnership that brings glory to God. Either one without the other is likely to be insufficient, but sometimes practical support is not possible, so then we can pray all the more. Prayer is not less useful. It is not airy-fairy. It is not a cop-out or admitting defeat. Actually it kind of is admitting defeat. It's saying to God 'I can't do this on my own. Please come through for me.')
So what do I do when I have prayed and tried to help and tried to help and prayed, and then prayed some more and nothing seems to change?
It's a horrible answer but it's all I've got and I'm pretty sure it's what our loving God wants us to do: wait. Wait, pray and seek him. Pursue our relationship with him, or if we can't manage that because we're so spent, cling on to the rock of hope. 'God I trust you' is sometimes all we can manage but it is all that is necessary (more on this in part 5).
And it turns out not to be horrible actually. As we wait we can watch out for the little things that he does for us day to day: the first flowers of Spring coming out, the laughter of children playing, a beautiful sunset (or sunrise if you're the early morning type...), a smile from a friend. He's still paying attention and watching over us even if he's not clicking his fingers to make everything 'right' in an instant. The pain doesn't leave but it is tempered with hope.
And remember, we as people do tend to be in a hurry. I want God to do everything now. I don't want to see this person suffer any longer. Surely we've waited long enough now. But Abraham and Sarah waited many years for the promise to be fulfilled, and the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the desert. Imagine how long that seemed... We may not even see the answers while we walk on Earth but that does not mean God doesn't have it sorted.
One thing my pastor often says is that God likes to build the drama. It's like a really good book or film, where the hero comes through at the last possible minute to make the victory even more spectacular. If the hero came in when the situation was still salvageable how much glory would he get? Our God can do the impossible and sometimes wants to show us that. Sometimes he wants to draw us closer to him as we seek him and pursue him for an answer. Sometimes 'bad things' just happen to 'Christians' and 'non-Christians' alike - shock horror, I know - God doesn't owe us anything and we as humans have no right to an easy and carefree life. In fact I know I do appreciate the good times more because of the bad times, and it is mostly in the bad times that I do seek God with determination.
This has turned into a bit of a long rambly post. To summarise, God does not always come through straight away, and it often isn't in the way we expect (how many times has a situation resolved differently from how you would have liked, only for you to look back in the future and see how it was for the best?), but he is always listening, and he is always doing something. All we can do is trust, sometimes have a rant at him, sometimes cry our eyes out before him, sometimes wait patiently, sometimes seek fervently, and sometimes just lay down before him without any words left at all.
I rarely know why things happen, but experience is teaching me that he really does love me (and all of us). Not only that, he loves us perfectly and knows us perfectly and that is enough for me to trust him with each of those situations today. Tomorrow he will give me new strength to trust and hope again.
There are several situations in my life right now where I really desperately need him to come through. And he hasn't. At least as far as I see it. This is an issue which has often been ignored, certainly in some areas of Christianity I have come across. There is a lot of pressure to trust and believe and expect the seemingly impossible healing, setting free, renewal or whatever it is we need, but nobody tells us what to do when we have invested everything and nothing seems to have happened.
When we see no change in a painful situation it hurts. When there is nothing we can do to change things other than pray, it seems hopeless.
(Interestingly, as I write these words I am also realising how we can subconsciously look on prayer as a less useful thing to do in a difficult situation. It can seem like prayer is a last resort: 'I've done everything I can do so I'll just have to fall back on prayer as a last hope that something might happen'. Offering somebody prayer can feel less 'useful' than offering them practical support.
Now I know that both prayer and practical support are vital, and when friends stand with someone in need both spiritually and practically it is a beautiful partnership that brings glory to God. Either one without the other is likely to be insufficient, but sometimes practical support is not possible, so then we can pray all the more. Prayer is not less useful. It is not airy-fairy. It is not a cop-out or admitting defeat. Actually it kind of is admitting defeat. It's saying to God 'I can't do this on my own. Please come through for me.')
So what do I do when I have prayed and tried to help and tried to help and prayed, and then prayed some more and nothing seems to change?
It's a horrible answer but it's all I've got and I'm pretty sure it's what our loving God wants us to do: wait. Wait, pray and seek him. Pursue our relationship with him, or if we can't manage that because we're so spent, cling on to the rock of hope. 'God I trust you' is sometimes all we can manage but it is all that is necessary (more on this in part 5).
And it turns out not to be horrible actually. As we wait we can watch out for the little things that he does for us day to day: the first flowers of Spring coming out, the laughter of children playing, a beautiful sunset (or sunrise if you're the early morning type...), a smile from a friend. He's still paying attention and watching over us even if he's not clicking his fingers to make everything 'right' in an instant. The pain doesn't leave but it is tempered with hope.
And remember, we as people do tend to be in a hurry. I want God to do everything now. I don't want to see this person suffer any longer. Surely we've waited long enough now. But Abraham and Sarah waited many years for the promise to be fulfilled, and the Israelites wandered for 40 years in the desert. Imagine how long that seemed... We may not even see the answers while we walk on Earth but that does not mean God doesn't have it sorted.
One thing my pastor often says is that God likes to build the drama. It's like a really good book or film, where the hero comes through at the last possible minute to make the victory even more spectacular. If the hero came in when the situation was still salvageable how much glory would he get? Our God can do the impossible and sometimes wants to show us that. Sometimes he wants to draw us closer to him as we seek him and pursue him for an answer. Sometimes 'bad things' just happen to 'Christians' and 'non-Christians' alike - shock horror, I know - God doesn't owe us anything and we as humans have no right to an easy and carefree life. In fact I know I do appreciate the good times more because of the bad times, and it is mostly in the bad times that I do seek God with determination.
This has turned into a bit of a long rambly post. To summarise, God does not always come through straight away, and it often isn't in the way we expect (how many times has a situation resolved differently from how you would have liked, only for you to look back in the future and see how it was for the best?), but he is always listening, and he is always doing something. All we can do is trust, sometimes have a rant at him, sometimes cry our eyes out before him, sometimes wait patiently, sometimes seek fervently, and sometimes just lay down before him without any words left at all.
I rarely know why things happen, but experience is teaching me that he really does love me (and all of us). Not only that, he loves us perfectly and knows us perfectly and that is enough for me to trust him with each of those situations today. Tomorrow he will give me new strength to trust and hope again.
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